I know what it’s like to be bullied. I’ve lived it-at work, in social spaces, and even in places that were supposed to be safe. I’ve been gaslighted, dismissed, and undermined. I’ve faced sexual harassment, had my identity used as a weapon against me, and been told that my experiences weren’t real or “weren’t that bad.”
As a gay woman in the corporate world, I’ve felt this deeply. The offhand comments, the exclusion from conversations, the way people “joke” about who I am-it all adds up. And when I spoke up? I was told I was overreacting. That’s how gaslighting works. That’s how bullies win.
But I refuse to let them. And if you’re reading this, I want you to know: you don’t have to either. You are not alone, and you are not imagining things. Your experiences matter, and your voice deserves to be heard.
What makes a bully? Have you ever stopped to wonder about that? Nobody is born a bully, so how does someone end up becoming one? Is it something learned? Something inflicted on them? A reaction to pain, or maybe the result of their environment? Whatever the reason, one thing is certain: bullying doesn’t just happen by accident. It’s a behavior, and behaviors have roots.
Let’s start by painting the picture. Some bullies operate on an emotional level. They know just what to say to cut you down, to make you feel small, to question your worth. Others gaslight you, leaving you in a constant state of self-doubt-“did that really happen?” or “am I just imagining things?” Then there are the ones who break you mentally, systematically chipping away at your confidence until you’re just a shadow of yourself. They might not even raise their voice. But their words, actions, and manipulations hit like a hammer, every single time.
But who creates these people? Is it their upbringing? Perhaps they grew up in a home where power dynamics were skewed, where control equated survival. Maybe they were victims themselves, and the only way they learned to cope was by flipping the script. Or could it be insecurity-that gnawing, endless fear of being found out, of not being enough, driving them to step on others to feel a little taller? Could it be jealousy? Power? Ego?
Some bullies might get a twisted satisfaction from instilling fear. For them, it’s a sick kind of thrill to see others tiptoe around them, afraid to put a foot wrong. Others might be on an ego trip, puffing themselves up because their fragile self-esteem needs the constant boost. Then there are those who have no voice at home, no control in their personal lives, and so they bring that frustration to the office or the playground or the friend group. There, they play the role of the big bad boss, the one who calls the shots.
But let’s not sugarcoat what a bully does to their victims. It’s not just about the momentary sting of an insult or the awkwardness of being singled out in a meeting. It’s deeper. It’s the fear of walking into the room where the bully sits. It’s the anxiety that creeps into your chest when their name flashes on your phone or inbox. It’s the self-doubt that starts to feel like a second skin. And it’s not just what they do to you in the moment-it’s the lasting scars they leave, the pieces of you they take and never give back.
There are different types of bullies, and they don’t all look the same. Some are loud, brash, and obvious. They’ll humiliate you in public, make snide comments, or throw their weight around without an ounce of subtlety. Then there are the quiet ones, the manipulators. They’re calculated, strategic. They’ll undermine you without ever raising their voice, planting seeds of doubt and watching them grow. And let’s not forget the passive-aggressive bullies. They hide behind sarcasm and backhanded compliments, leaving you to wonder if you’re just being overly sensitive.
But here’s the thing I can’t stop wondering: if you’re a bully, and you see the grip you have on people, do you want to get help? Because let’s be honest, it can’t be a nice place where you’re stuck-that place where you live on a daily basis. Imagine waking up every morning, knowing your control over others is built on fear, intimidation, or manipulation. Imagine the kind of mental state that would require. Surely, at some point, it must get exhausting.
Would you, the egotistical, power-driven bully, ever reach out for help? Would you admit that maybe-just maybe-you’re tired of being this version of yourself? Because here’s what I know: no one becomes a bully without a story. And every story can be rewritten. But you have to want it. You have to look in the mirror and see the cracks in your armor, the emptiness behind the facade. You have to want to be better.
So, if you’re reading this and you’re the one who’s used fear to gain control, or sarcasm to deflect your own pain, or manipulation to climb higher-ask yourself: do you want to stay in this place? Or would you reach out to someone like me, a life coach, and start unpacking what got you here in the first place? Because if there’s one thing I know, it’s that healing isn’t just for the victims. It’s for the bullies too. But only if they’re brave enough to take the first step.